Let's get real here. There is no easy road to confidence, especially in a society of constant media-driven, comparison heavy, influencer culture. Trust me, if someone has marketed a short-cut to positive self-image, I've tried it, and let me tell you: it never works.
The hardest pill I've had to swallow so far on my confidence journey is that self-love won't be handed to me, I have to work for it. And you know what? Putting hard work into something is scary. It makes me question: What if it doesn't work? What if I can't do it? What if I don't like what I see even after I try? To be honest, the fear of failure these questions provoke long stopped me from making any real effort towards learning self-love.
If you are struggling with questions like these, here's a bonus "pre-tip," if you will: stop giving more credibility to the negative "what if's" than the positive. I don't mean ignore them or somehow magically stop thinking them, I mean make it a point to also ask: What if it does work? What if I can do it? How good could it get? " Why waste all that energy on wondering if you'll fail when you could use that same energy wondering what would happen if you succeed?
I wasted energy on those pessimistic "what ifs" but I never admitted to myself that by not trying I was failing in all the ways I was afraid to: my self-hatred was stopping me from succeeding at even basic tasks, I was proving I couldn't put effort in, and when I looked at myself I hated what I saw. I struggled. I remember looking into the mirror and crying that I couldn't change my face more times than I care to admit. The only difference between that and the failure I was avoiding was that I couldn't say I truly tried because I didn't give myself a chance. When I realized this, I truly committed to incorporating little things into my life that countered the narrative of hate I was telling myself. The moment I discovered that my self-image was my choice, my perspective changed. Now, while I'm still struggling with self-love, I find myself looking at life after college and I feel, for what might be the first time ever, that maybe I have a shot, that maybe I am capable of doing what I want. I even got dressed the other day (wild quarantine activity), looked in the mirror, and smiled at what I saw.
Let me tell you, in that moment I realized how different my mindset was from just a couple months ago, and I broke into tears. I never thought I could feel good with who I am, but I am starting to see changes, and it feels so damn good. So, when you find yourself stuck in those "what-ifs," here's a little tough love I hope you'll remember: only YOU have the power to make a change, and you won't see change until YOU choose to do the work.
Lastly, before I reveal my five tips, I want to express something that I feel is imperative you understand: loving yourself is important and it's not stupid, naive, or selfish. Read that again. Now one more time, out loud. Learning to see yourself as competent, worthy, and powerful will help you to strive for the things you deserve in life, and that will positively impact the people around you. Like Stephen Chbosky says in Perks of Being a Wallflower, "you accept the love you think you deserve." That goes for all things, not just love. You accept the work you think you are capable of, you take the time for yourself that you think you're worth.
I know, especially in high school, I sacrificed finding who I am and what I believe in order to fit in with people who feel intellectually superior or elite for not believing in concepts like love, purpose, and happiness. In hindsight, those people probably knew that I didn't carry the same beliefs and they didn't treat me well because of it. I spent three years of my life feeling unworthy, stupid, and naive for hoping that I had a purpose. I was constantly trying to be someone I'm not because I didn't like or respect myself enough to prioritize my life over people who didn't really care about me. In the years after high school, my ability to survive in the world was harder because I didn't believe this simple statement: my worth and self-image does not rest on the opinions of others and that what I value is valid and does not make me naive or childish. Now I have to work even harder to believe it's true. I only have to do that because I never saw the importance or possibility of loving myself. I don't want that for you.
I understand this is a daunting journey to embark on. It's hard, uncomfortable and scary, but I've found that it's possible to choose to see the highs and lows as opportunities and push through them. I can't do it for you, but I can try to share what I've learned. To help you get started, here are 5 fairly easy things I try to incorporate into my life to promote a more positive self-image.
1. Take care of your body
Ok, this is obviously the most generic one so I'll get it out of the way. Honestly, every time I look for tips on how to build confidence, this is on the list, and for good reason. I always thought, "why is everyone so body-obsessed?" I didn't understand why everyone thought you had to get or want to be skinny to be confident. Now I understand that's not what has to be about. You do not have to look a certain way to truly love yourself, you just have to take the time to do something for yourself, even if you don't want to, because not doing so will inhibit your ability to love yourself.
What I mean by "take care of your body" is exactly that. I mean be kind to your physical being. Move your body every day, fuel it with nutritious stuff (along with goodies, of course!), and take personal hygiene seriously so that you can be healthy and strong. No matter what your body looks like it is beautiful and unique, but it is also important that you take care of it so you can live a long life. Moreover, unhealthy lifestyles are scientifically proven to lead to higher levels of depression which can negatively affect self-image.
Trust me, you don't have to do crazy workouts, diets, or skincare regiments unless that makes you feel good. Even the simplest of activities show yourself that you are worth the hard work, you are worth protecting and being taken care of, and that you deserve every minute you can get in this world. It can be as simple as throwing some veggies in a pot of pasta, drinking a glass of water before a meal, walking around your house, going to bed early, or taking a shower when you're feeling down. No matter what you do, it has to come from a place of self-worth, even if it doesn't feel genuine yet. If it comes from self-hatred, it won't last.
Personally, I've found some joy and release in working out. I am currently on a fitness team and I just finished my first program. The changes I have seen in my strength and confidence is unreal. That said, I've come to realize that my increased body-positivity is not entirely correlated to the visible changes in my body, but is a product of the fact that I chose to commit myself, I didn't give up or give in even when I didn't feel like it anymore, and I achieved my own personal goals through MY hard work.
2. Practice a form of mindfulness
This also sounds really cliché, but you won't believe how much it helps. I don't mean you have to meditate for thirty minutes or do an hour of yoga every day (unless you want to!). All I am suggesting is that you try to incorporate moments of mental awareness throughout your day. Doing this every day will help you become more aware of your body and teach you how how your brain works so you can take care of it, even when life gets crazy. As seen in the wellness triangle above, you must work on your mental health in order to work on your wellness. Loving yourself is a lot harder if you are not well. Not to mention, will help you rely on yourself more confidently. Mindfulness could be as simple as focusing in on the weight of your feet on the ground and what the floor feels like as you walk to the fridge, thinking about how a strawberry feels and tastes in your mouth, or noticing the rhythm of your breathing and where the rise and fall happens in your body during a suspenseful part of a book, show, or movie.
Personally, I like a mixture of meditation and journaling in order to focus my time more intentionally throughout the day and to just acknowledge the fact that I am a human being. This helps me to succeed in my goals and ground myself when I feel like I failed or like I have to be perfect.
For journaling in particular, I like to take some time during the day to write down reasons I have to be grateful, goals I have for the day, and things I want to let go of. My friend Maddie Bones has also gotten me into the practice of writing 10 positive affirmations about myself every day that I may or may not believe to be true. For example, I might write, "I am strong. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. ..." even if I don't feel it that day. Journaling helps me to stop and appreciate all I have, use my time more efficiently to be more successful in my goals, and learn to upgrade my inner-narrative to a more positive version.
3. Practice keeping a clean and organized space
This may seem random or unimportant, but you have no idea how beneficial creating a clean and organized space can be for your confidence. Simply making your bed in the morning, tidying up or organizing something for 20 minutes every day while listening to music, audiobooks, or a podcast, or doing your laundry can make you feel so accomplished. I've found that succeeding at little tasks every day boosts and maintains my confidence more than big successes every once in a while do.
4. Do at least one "maintenance" and one "reward" activity every day, have a "disaster plan," and recruit a friend
We got a three parter here!
It is important not to ignore essential "maintenance" activities, even if they don't sound like fun. Doing stuff like paying your bills, turning off the screen, moving your body, or eating veggies are not always things you want to do. However, I've learned that a part of life, adulthood, and self-love is doing things I don't want to do so that I can benefit from them later, and I feel proud when I complete them. It shows yourself that you are worth doing the hard stuff now so that you can reap the rewards later.
On the other hand, rewarding yourself for getting through another day, even if you just sat in bed staring at a wall, is a great way to show yourself that your self-love is unconditional and that you deserve good things no matter what life is throwing at you. I try to do this every day, even if I don't have time until the wee hours of the morning. I like to disconnect from social media for a little while and read, talk to a friend, hang out with my family, do a craft, or a good ol' fashioned face mask. You could also watch a tv show, write something, or just take a nice stretch. It's nice to feel like there will always be time for me and that I am a priority in my own life.
Third, a disaster plan is when you come up with a plan to counter what has previously been an obstacle in your past attempts to achieve a goal in order to not let them stop you if they come up again. For example, when starting to work towards self-love, I knew I wanted to workout more often, but I also knew that in the past I have quit after a day of not "feeling like it," and then my confidence would plummet. So my plan was: I had to at least put on workout clothes and shoes , drink some water, and text a friend about it (who I had already asked when creating this plan to hold me accountable). If I still didn't work out that day, I had to do it again the next.
On that note, remember that wellness triangle from Tip #1? One of the three needs for wellness is social health. Find one person you trust to motivate and support you and ask them to keep you accountable to your upgraded habits, and you can do the same for them. A little tough love goes a long way. Can't think of anyone? Reach out to me and I'd be happy to help!
5. Find your voice and use it.
It is so empowering to know you have a voice, no matter who is listening. Starting a blog has been amazing for my mental-health and self-image. When I write blog posts I feel effectual, intelligent, helpful, and of-value. Even if just one person reads my post, I have proved to myself that my words matter, that I can stay committed to something, and that I am capable of creating something. I have decided that I can do what I want, talk about what I want, and be what I want, instead of waiting for someone to ask me to or tell me I can. I am autonomous and it feels GOOD!
You don't have to start a blog or a youtube or create public content to find your voice, unless you want to! Some public and private ways to find and use your voice are: make a post to facebook about your life or what you believe, write a story, start your own memoir, compose a poem that only you will ever see, stand up to someone, start a dialogue with someone about something you value, write an essay on a topic that interests and matters to you, enter a competition of some sort, paint, draw, make a movie, write a play, etc.. Anything that comes from you, that you choose what to do with, that you value gives you an autonomous voice.
Realizing your voice in any format helps you feel powerful, capable, and effectual - all things you have always been but may not have seen.
Overall, while these five tips helped me in my confidence and self-love journey, know that they might not work for everyone and that is OK. Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on how you look at it - there is no official treasure map to find confidence. Self-love is not a tangible destination, and it looks different for everyone. If you set out seeking the end goal of confidence, you will never be satisfied. I believe finding self-love is a journey that brings you to new, uncharted territory every day and it is a road that you will continue to ride for the rest of your life, but it is so unbelievably worth it, something I am just now starting to see. You can either spend your whole life looking at mile one or you can chose to step on the gas and see what's beyond. I've heard it's a view worth fighting for.
Keep fighting, stop restarting "day ones" and focusing on "what ifs," and just do the damn thing, because you are worth seeing what happens. I love you, I value you, and I am rooting for you. Don't hesitate to reach out if you want to talk about your journey of self-love or just say hi, and subscribe and follow to keep up with more posts like this one!
See you soon,
Sierra
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