Listen, I know a couple posts ago I said there wouldn't be a shortage of posts "anytime soon," but sometimes reality hits you like a semi truck out of nowhere and plans change.
I promised myself I would be truthful and authentic on this blog so that's what I'm going to do here. This won't be a long post, but I hope it gives you some comfort if you're struggling through a chaotic reality, or any season of life that feels too difficult to handle. The truth is, I don't have any practical advice to give because, honestly, I have fallen short of expectations more times than I can count and I don't feel like I have any answers for you. Even so, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone, and I hope you will too.
Between 6 classes, 2 theses/senior projects, countless applications, the mental stress from current events and expectations, dealing with professors who expect access to any and all of my time, and figuring out what I want my life to be and what I want it to mean, there hasn't been enough brain power left in me to put towards focusing on myself. Phase Five has given me an outlet, a place where my voice feels significant. I haven't forgotten about it in the past few months, it's just had to go on the back-burner, the last place I want my passions to be.
The theme of "the last place I want it to be" is pretty relevant to my entire life. Since I stopped posting, I have found myself falling out of the habits I had worked hard to form this year. I have found myself spending less time on figuring out who I am, less time taking care of myself, and less time on simply learning how to be a human. I have ignored what I need to do to function and survive in favor of what other people have told me I need to do to "succeed." I can't remember the last time I stopped and just smelled the proverbial roses. I look around at my life, and I don't know where to go from here.
Right now at Witt, I am writing an honors thesis, directing a university Main Stage theatre production, applying to graduate school, and taking three writing intensive classes. Suddenly, it feels like everyone here is asking for the opposite of what I'm giving, of what I've been taught they wanted. After writing a well-organized and thought out paper, my professor told me it was too long. After working hard on a video for class instead of filming it two minutes before it's due, my professor told me I spent too much time on it. I finish one assignment and another two fills its place. There is not a day of the week that I don't have meetings and big assignments due. There has not been a day in the past 2+ weeks where I have not had a debilitating headache. Through this, I have been working as a marketing intern, struggling with huge family changes, not leaving the house for days on end, and dealing with mental health issues. It all feels endless. I feel immense self doubt, that I am an imposter in my own life, and I am constantly reminded that what I do is not quite good enough.
If this sounds pessimistic, that's because it is, but it's also true. People keep telling me I'm overreacting, that it's not a big deal, that it'll pass. I understand that the people who love me tell me this in an attempt to make me feel better, to support me. Even so, all it seems to do is make me push all of the emotions away when I need to feel them, when I need to experience this transition. If you feel the same way I do, I want you to know: this is hard and your feelings are more than valid. The transition period between being guided through life, to being thrown into a world that you were never taught to navigate, is hard. Going through things in life that no one ever prepared you for and no one ever talks about, is hard. It's suffocating, it hurts, it's stressful, and no one can quite understand what you are going through. Even so, I want you to know that everyone experiences their own version of this and, reality check, no one handles it gracefully. I don't care what the older people in your life say or what other people's lives look like on social media, everyone struggles and it's messy.
The important thing about this struggle, though, is to not let it destroy you. Instead, you have to try to grow from it, to let it bring you to a place where you can look back on this moment and be proud of what you overcame. In the times when whatever you are going through feels the heaviest, in the thickest darkness of the night, try to think of your future self. Think of the pride you will feel the day you look back to find that you once faced a burning world and walked forward anyway.
This is what this blog means to me. I don't have time to post every week, I'm not exercising every day, I rarely even have time to leave the house or even eat. This post, however, is my way of reminding myself that I have control over my life, that I choose who I become, and that I choose what my life will mean. Taking the time to write this post in the midst of endless assignments and obstacles is my way of fighting against being buried by obligation, stress, and fear. It is my way of holding on to myself.
So, no, I don't have practical advice for you. I can't tell you how to make it through whatever you are going through. What I can do, however, is challenge you. I can challenge you to find something this week that you love but have put on the back burner. For one hour, make it a priority. Make feeding your soul and remembering what it means to be human a priority.
I challenge you to consider that, while you can't change what is going wrong, you can choose how your struggles will change you. Will you choose to let this moment hollow you? Or will you choose to see it as an opportunity to fight for yourself so can look back in five years and be able to say, "I may not have always dealt with pain gracefully, I may not have done everything right, and I may have made mistakes, but I have never given up on myself. I never let myself down." It won't be easy. In fact, in some moments, seeing the world this way feels impossible. Sometimes these feel like empty words. Even so, you owe it to yourself to try. You are worth it.
I can't promise to post soon, that is just not realistic for my life right now. What I can promise, though, is that I am fighting alongside you. I will never stop fighting to hang onto myself, to hold myself closer in every storm. I promise to walk hand in hand with you as we cross the mountains and valleys of life, together.
I hope I will see you soon,
Sierra
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